from Diya, with love

“Chloe” is evil. And horrible. And shouldn’t be alive. 1:29 am; Wednesday, June 10 “Middle school me.” That’s who she’s talking to. “Chloe” wrote this in middle school.  Today I want to talk about bullying. Two days ago, I got into an altercation with a friend of mine. Granted, I said something that remains uncalled for, and even if I was simply speaking my mind, this was not the right time to voice my opinion. Of course, he assumed that I said this just to try and get my way.  My blood ran cold. That wasn’t my intention. As tears welled up in my eyes, I tried to explain what I meant (not very well oops), apologized for hurting him, and ended the conversation shortly after.  But why did the idea that I was being manipulative affect me so much? I knew I wasn’t trying to be manipulative, and that’s the only thing that should matter, right?  And just like that, I’m running in circles in my mind, trying to figure out whether I can trust myself, and whether I’m evil, or h...

To all the people who have played a part in making me who I am now: thank you.  I wish I could to express how, even six months ago, I wouldn’t have had the courage to believe in myself, and how so many of you have inspired me to do so. I want to put into words the way you’ve shown me how great I can be. I want to make you understand no matter how you treated me, I learnt something from you. About myself. About other people. For that I will be forever grateful. There’s no articulate way for me to reach you all. Some of you may not even remember my name. Most of you have no idea about the impact you have had on me. And there’s so many people who will come into my life to build me up or to tear me down.  Thank you for all the new perspectives. Thank you for all the kind words, and thank you for the hurtful words. It’s time to realize that this is what I’m made of. And you made it.

I don't know. I'll never know how to answer that question. I just know that I've tried to fall in love with myself so many times, only to remind myself that I don't feel like I know what love is. That I'm still trying to learn about. And I'm trying to accept the idea of being loved while trying to protect myself from it. But my love for myself feels like it's based on expectations that I know are unrealistic. I can't be perfect all the time. I can't stand up for myself and not hurt people. I can't learn about myself if I don't have the courage to explore why it hurts. I can't grow without the growing pains. So I'll have to figure it out, all on my own. I'll have to understand why I'm good enough and why my best should be all that I need. I can put myself out there without editing myself. Put myself out for everyone or no one to see. For the only one who truly matters is me.

I know that I'm still holding on to pieces of my past that don't exist anymore, but I decided today that I just have to see how life goes. I had to jump in even though I'm not ready; I just hope that the rest will follow