from Diya, with love

It was only a split second when I felt it. Maybe even less. It was a moment when I thought a single bad thought about myself, but immediately recounted all the ways in which I've proven to myself that it was wrong. And then I let it go. At that moment, I realized how, even a year ago, I would have accepted that I was, indeed, all the horrifying things that I thought I was in my darkest moments. And then I thought of you. Because I realized, it's all because of you. You are the reason I know my worth, and why I know now to never be satisfied with any less. You've taught me to stand up for myself, despite how uncomfortable it makes me. Because you were the first to see in me what no one ever saw before, and to tell me what it was. To tell me how truly and utterly amazing you thought I was. The tears didn't begin until I started to write, because I realize who I've become, and how you've changed me. For the better. You've changed me for the better. You ...

another look inside your mind tells everyone what you've been thinking stop another look inside your mind, but i dont think anyone is looking stop the world within and the world outside begin to collide stop but you dont know how to stop just stop please stop im screaming inside but all i can say is okay stop i just need it to all stop

It's that feeling when you're listening to the most beautiful song at 5:30 a.m. after a long, long night and it begins to pour it's something beyond tranquil it's beyond bliss it's like it cools the fire in your veins a paroxysm the truest happiness with no reason and it's another feeling I could never capture with just words

11-11-2019,     02:04 and I don't even remember your name but if I ever saw you again I know I'd tell you that  your words went straight to my heart I still feel them in my bones  even under the weight of the most stressful forty-eight hours and I'd tell you that I want to remember your voice forever for even though you were only talking to a room full of maybe a hundred teenagers and poets I felt like your words should be heard by the world but I also want them to just be mine and I hope that what you say is immortalized forever because the way your words made me feel I have no words for it

As I lie on the floor all alone, I think about beautiful people who deserved the world but got so much less. My heart feels as heavy as lead, so for once I try to go with my head. I can't see the stars now; these clouds are too thick, so for now, I'm just going to choose to believe in their faint silver lining. I'm trying my best to not blame myself for everything. It's not your fault when someone doesn't acknowledge their mistakes. When someone you love has changed for the worse and you have no choice but to leave. You can say no to the kind of love that doesn't deserve you. It still hurts though. I know things will be okay. I don't want things to just be okay. I want them to be amazing. I want to feel a kind of joy that doesn't have limits. Elation even greater than anything I've ever experienced before. I want to be content with who I am while pushing past my limits. I want to stop wanting everything but not wanting to work for it. To all my...

And with every thing I understand a little better, it's like I understand something else a little less. A new gray area arrives with a new perspective and leaves me wondering what it is I'm completely oblivious to. ~ not the greatest feeling ever

The happiness we knew together is gone, Infinite possibilities But now there are none. The mourning hits me in waves. They're further apart now but each one carries the weight of everything we were. I come apart and you're not there to keep me together. It's my responsibility now to understand my heart, it's my responsibility to redefine the world. For everything I know and everything I believe, so much I do is for you All the emotions I know now, I've experienced love and I know how ~  my thoughts make more sense in my heart

It feels like it shouldn't make sense, how the prettiest little flowers can grow in a memorial yard. How the pieces of the sky can come together over the most peaceful part of the world you've seen to create a picture so beautiful that you almost forget that it was all caused by tragedy. You can look at the sky and see a river of color, while your feet stay on the ground and what lies underneath serves as a reminder that so many people never made it to where you are today. You can forget for just a moment the battles you've been fighting every day and think about this  battle that took the lives of so many. Forget about your struggle to make it through every day and think about how you have every day

In my kitchen, there's a picture of a little girl with flowers in her hair and her head in the clouds. It  captures a moment from what feels like a lifetime ago.  There are some things that have stayed the same. T he moon still seems to follow me at night, like it's got my back in the darkest hours. Daisies are still my favorite flowers, and I haven't figured out just why as of yet.  When I feel vulnerable, I still turn into the bona fide personification of all my emotions. And I still get overly excited about little things like seeing my friends and when I find something I'm passionate about. At the same time, I've grown. I am 16 now, and my biggest talent is comparing myself to the best, whoever I think it is. I have a hundred little ideas every day that I'll never pursue, because I'm trying to focus.  I've seen different parts of the world. I've heard a thousand different stories from a thousand different people. I've heard so many vo...

I'm trying to think of the best version of myself. Does she have perfect skin? Stellar grades? When she strives for excellence, does she give up and settle for mediocrity?  Does she get disappointing after she's done this yet again, a spiral into self-pity? When she thinks of a title for this post, does she simply end up with the name of a song from the '90s? Does she still feel a twinge of jealousy when she hears of other people's success? One thing's for sure, she's absolutely stunning. Even on her worst days, she still carries herself with with a certain elegance. I may not be as beautiful as her, but I'm learning her grace.

As the night carries on, I sit here and listen to words written by artists I've never met. I'm the only one awake right now, surrounded by my thoughts. My head spins with the ideas I want to bring to life, with the dreams I abandoned, with all the things I thought I should be but never truly wanted. My emotions run free; I'm hit with paroxysms of wonder laced with bouts of anxiety. It's just hit me. The rest of my life starts right now. I'm just not quite sure that I'm ready for it. It's the dead of the night. But I've never felt so alive. 

"Do you think it's more important to be loved or to give love?" "To give love" "To give love, for sure" "I think it's the same thing as presents; if you're just getting, getting, getting, there's no satisfaction in that, but if you're giving something out, you don't need to be loved to feel loved" "You definitely have to give love to feel it" You've grown enough for all this to feel true. You know what's right. You've experienced enough to know what makes you feel good in the long run. Even before you read the last word of that question, you made up your mind. But when will you be ready to start living this way?

Sometimes I wonder how many nights I've spent philosophizing about all I've ever been and all the beauty I could embody. How many nights the stars would watch over me without ever being able to hear my thoughts. How many nights all my insecurities, all my inhibitions, all my memories would come to visit and stay till the late hours of the morning. How many nights my thoughts would harmonize with music I listened to, thinking of how great things could be. I think of how many nights were bad and how many were good. The number is starting to approach infinity.

Something’s stopping me from living fully. A people pleaser but I don’t know who I’m pleasing, I worry about half-formed opinions from people who don’t really care. I want everyone to like me, even if they don’t really like themselves;  there’s an irony to worrying so much about what people think of me  when I know that they barely do.

As a person who overthinks things on a daily basis, I find myself fairly familiar with the 5 W questions. Who? What? Where? When? Why? Three of these questions always seemed to take priority over the others. Who and What set the scene, while I always chased the answers to Why. When and Where sat quietly in the backseat as I traveled swiftly through different situations and maneuvered my way around life. When made its special appearances whenever timing was concerned. Sometimes Where had something to say, but was immediately interrupted by the constant chatter of the other questions I had. Recently I have become hyper-aware of my location and the part it had to play in everything I've done. Sometimes I did everything right, just in the wrong place. Most of the time I was wrong. But sometimes, rare times, I really wasn't. I don't know what to do with this revelation. It's not exactly like it's something I can control. I don't have the ...

There's a fire burning through my veins today, and something I thought was just for me is out for the world to see. When I added windows into my room I knew it worked both ways. Still, I created new hallways, designed intricate labyrinths, and decorated the walls with my thoughts. I created a home out of myself. Letting people read my words was good for me. But it came with its own set of outcomes. There are expectations I'm not sure I can live up to. There's the support I worry will disappear if I slip. The hundreds of opinions I can never control. I still don't know how this version of me fits with the more jubilant, optimistic girl who tries to put herself out there every day. But I know, whether eloquent or exuberant, every bit of me and my personality is its own masterpiece. 

Not everyone shares the same ideals you do. Even though one of your priorities has always been being kind to everyone, you have met people whose only aims were to tear other people down. People always change, whether for better or for worse. They only ever willingly change when they can see what they’re doing wrong. Speaking badly about other people only makes you feel worse in the long run. Watch your words; you’re the only one accountable for them. If you find a certain trait that makes you lose respect for someone, deal with it and try your best never to do it yourself. There are some lessons that you have to learn more than once for them to finally stick. Don’t beat yourself up for it. You’re much harder on yourself than you should be. Standing up for yourself is always scary, especially when you feel like you’ll be alone doing so. You don’t have to let people walk all over you because retaliating in some way feels like it could lead to someone getting hurt.  People expr...

As the words in my mouth begin to sour; For another love, I begin to scour. I'm starting to realize how you think How you treat people like they're something you devour.