from Diya, with love

“Chloe” is evil. And horrible. And shouldn’t be alive. 1:29 am; Wednesday, June 10 “Middle school me.” That’s who she’s talking to. “Chloe” wrote this in middle school.  Today I want to talk about bullying. Two days ago, I got into an altercation with a friend of mine. Granted, I said something that remains uncalled for, and even if I was simply speaking my mind, this was not the right time to voice my opinion. Of course, he assumed that I said this just to try and get my way.  My blood ran cold. That wasn’t my intention. As tears welled up in my eyes, I tried to explain what I meant (not very well oops), apologized for hurting him, and ended the conversation shortly after.  But why did the idea that I was being manipulative affect me so much? I knew I wasn’t trying to be manipulative, and that’s the only thing that should matter, right?  And just like that, I’m running in circles in my mind, trying to figure out whether I can trust myself, and whether I’m evil, or h...

To all the people who have played a part in making me who I am now: thank you.  I wish I could to express how, even six months ago, I wouldn’t have had the courage to believe in myself, and how so many of you have inspired me to do so. I want to put into words the way you’ve shown me how great I can be. I want to make you understand no matter how you treated me, I learnt something from you. About myself. About other people. For that I will be forever grateful. There’s no articulate way for me to reach you all. Some of you may not even remember my name. Most of you have no idea about the impact you have had on me. And there’s so many people who will come into my life to build me up or to tear me down.  Thank you for all the new perspectives. Thank you for all the kind words, and thank you for the hurtful words. It’s time to realize that this is what I’m made of. And you made it.

I don't know. I'll never know how to answer that question. I just know that I've tried to fall in love with myself so many times, only to remind myself that I don't feel like I know what love is. That I'm still trying to learn about. And I'm trying to accept the idea of being loved while trying to protect myself from it. But my love for myself feels like it's based on expectations that I know are unrealistic. I can't be perfect all the time. I can't stand up for myself and not hurt people. I can't learn about myself if I don't have the courage to explore why it hurts. I can't grow without the growing pains. So I'll have to figure it out, all on my own. I'll have to understand why I'm good enough and why my best should be all that I need. I can put myself out there without editing myself. Put myself out for everyone or no one to see. For the only one who truly matters is me.

I know that I'm still holding on to pieces of my past that don't exist anymore, but I decided today that I just have to see how life goes. I had to jump in even though I'm not ready; I just hope that the rest will follow

It was only a split second when I felt it. Maybe even less. It was a moment when I thought a single bad thought about myself, but immediately recounted all the ways in which I've proven to myself that it was wrong. And then I let it go. At that moment, I realized how, even a year ago, I would have accepted that I was, indeed, all the horrifying things that I thought I was in my darkest moments. And then I thought of you. Because I realized, it's all because of you. You are the reason I know my worth, and why I know now to never be satisfied with any less. You've taught me to stand up for myself, despite how uncomfortable it makes me. Because you were the first to see in me what no one ever saw before, and to tell me what it was. To tell me how truly and utterly amazing you thought I was. The tears didn't begin until I started to write, because I realize who I've become, and how you've changed me. For the better. You've changed me for the better. You ...

another look inside your mind tells everyone what you've been thinking stop another look inside your mind, but i dont think anyone is looking stop the world within and the world outside begin to collide stop but you dont know how to stop just stop please stop im screaming inside but all i can say is okay stop i just need it to all stop

It's that feeling when you're listening to the most beautiful song at 5:30 a.m. after a long, long night and it begins to pour it's something beyond tranquil it's beyond bliss it's like it cools the fire in your veins a paroxysm the truest happiness with no reason and it's another feeling I could never capture with just words

11-11-2019,     02:04 and I don't even remember your name but if I ever saw you again I know I'd tell you that  your words went straight to my heart I still feel them in my bones  even under the weight of the most stressful forty-eight hours and I'd tell you that I want to remember your voice forever for even though you were only talking to a room full of maybe a hundred teenagers and poets I felt like your words should be heard by the world but I also want them to just be mine and I hope that what you say is immortalized forever because the way your words made me feel I have no words for it

As I lie on the floor all alone, I think about beautiful people who deserved the world but got so much less. My heart feels as heavy as lead, so for once I try to go with my head. I can't see the stars now; these clouds are too thick, so for now, I'm just going to choose to believe in their faint silver lining. I'm trying my best to not blame myself for everything. It's not your fault when someone doesn't acknowledge their mistakes. When someone you love has changed for the worse and you have no choice but to leave. You can say no to the kind of love that doesn't deserve you. It still hurts though. I know things will be okay. I don't want things to just be okay. I want them to be amazing. I want to feel a kind of joy that doesn't have limits. Elation even greater than anything I've ever experienced before. I want to be content with who I am while pushing past my limits. I want to stop wanting everything but not wanting to work for it. To all my...

And with every thing I understand a little better, it's like I understand something else a little less. A new gray area arrives with a new perspective and leaves me wondering what it is I'm completely oblivious to. ~ not the greatest feeling ever

The happiness we knew together is gone, Infinite possibilities But now there are none. The mourning hits me in waves. They're further apart now but each one carries the weight of everything we were. I come apart and you're not there to keep me together. It's my responsibility now to understand my heart, it's my responsibility to redefine the world. For everything I know and everything I believe, so much I do is for you All the emotions I know now, I've experienced love and I know how ~  my thoughts make more sense in my heart

It feels like it shouldn't make sense, how the prettiest little flowers can grow in a memorial yard. How the pieces of the sky can come together over the most peaceful part of the world you've seen to create a picture so beautiful that you almost forget that it was all caused by tragedy. You can look at the sky and see a river of color, while your feet stay on the ground and what lies underneath serves as a reminder that so many people never made it to where you are today. You can forget for just a moment the battles you've been fighting every day and think about this  battle that took the lives of so many. Forget about your struggle to make it through every day and think about how you have every day

In my kitchen, there's a picture of a little girl with flowers in her hair and her head in the clouds. It  captures a moment from what feels like a lifetime ago.  There are some things that have stayed the same. T he moon still seems to follow me at night, like it's got my back in the darkest hours. Daisies are still my favorite flowers, and I haven't figured out just why as of yet.  When I feel vulnerable, I still turn into the bona fide personification of all my emotions. And I still get overly excited about little things like seeing my friends and when I find something I'm passionate about. At the same time, I've grown. I am 16 now, and my biggest talent is comparing myself to the best, whoever I think it is. I have a hundred little ideas every day that I'll never pursue, because I'm trying to focus.  I've seen different parts of the world. I've heard a thousand different stories from a thousand different people. I've heard so many vo...

I'm trying to think of the best version of myself. Does she have perfect skin? Stellar grades? When she strives for excellence, does she give up and settle for mediocrity?  Does she get disappointing after she's done this yet again, a spiral into self-pity? When she thinks of a title for this post, does she simply end up with the name of a song from the '90s? Does she still feel a twinge of jealousy when she hears of other people's success? One thing's for sure, she's absolutely stunning. Even on her worst days, she still carries herself with with a certain elegance. I may not be as beautiful as her, but I'm learning her grace.